| Earwig Jokes |
[06 Mar 2007|08:31pm] |
Trelane: I did make up the earwig jokes, if that's what you mean
Trelane: My earwig wife said to me, "Take me to someplace I've never been before." I said "How about a brightly lit open area with little to no moisture!"
Trelane: *rimshot*
Trelane: On my earwig honeymoon, I was thrilled to find out my wife is amazing at fondling my antennae. My earwig wife was thrilled that after the honeymoon, she'd never have to fondle a male earwigs antennae again!"
Trelane: Earwig jokes sure are easy to write
Trelane: You just take normal jokes and make them about earwigs
LOAF: Why are earwig jokes so short? So aphids can remember them!
Trelane: What do male earwigs give their earwig wives for their earwig anniversary?
Trelane: Nothing, earwigs don't live long enough for an anniversary!
Trelane: What do you call an earwig that flunked out of earwig medical school?
Trelane: An earwig dentist!
Trelane: But seriously, my earwig mother-in-law came into town last week and complained that my I don't give my earwig wife nice things to wear. So I shot the woman and gave my earwig wife her carapace!
Trelane: shot the earwig, I mean
LOAF: An earwig goes to the earwig doctor and he says "doctor, it hurts when I move my mandibles like this", to which the earwig doctor replies "you do not have a complex enough nervous system to feel pain, and also I slept with your earwig wife."
Trelane: What do you call 1000 earwig lawyers at the bottom of a small pond? A good start
LOAF: An earwig pilot comes on the radio and announces that earwig plane is now cruising at an altitude of 20,000 feet, but then forgets to turn off the PA system and says "boy, I could really go for an antennae-straightening and a tubule of aphid stomach acid"
LOAF: So the earwig stewardess rushes up to the cockpit to tell him to turn it off, and a business earwig calls after her "don't forget the tubule of aphid stomach acid"
Trelane: So an earwig walks into a bar with a little piano and a tiny earwig pianist. The earwig bartender asks where he got it, so the earwig pulls out an earwig genie lamp. The earwig bartender makes a wish and a million ducks rush through the entrance. Puzzled, he asks what happened.
Trelane: The earwig patron replies "The earwig genie is deaf. Do you really think I asked for a twelve-inch earwig pianist?"
LOAF: Why was the earwig fired from the M&Ms factory? Sanitary issues.
Trelane: Why did the earwig cross the road? Because their was a dark, moist, closed area on the other side, which earwigs prefer to nest in.
Trelane: What's brown and gooey and goes around and around
Trelane: A dead earwig stapled to a ferris wheel
LOAF: The earwig goes to church to talk to the earwig priest. "I must confess, I've been sleeping with a beautiful earwig and her two sexually adventerous friends.". The earwig priest replies "I see, but that isn't an earwig sin, why are you telling me?", to which he explains "Oh, I'm telling everybody!"
LOAF: What's black and white and read all over? The Earwig Washington Post.
LOAF: An earwig genie grants an earwig three wishes, but warns him that whatever he gets his wife will get double. So he asks for a million green food pellets... but his wife gets two million green food pellets. Next he asks for a 20-milimeter long abdomen, but his wife gets a 40-milimeter abdomen. Finally, for his third wish, he asks to be squashed half to death.
Trelane: An earwig priest is out golfing and he misses the ball on his drive. "God damn it! I missed!" he exclaims. He immediately apologizes for cursing the earwig lord's name. At the next hole, he does the same thing and curses again. At the third hole, he does it again.
Trelane: This time lightning comes from the sky and strikes dead the earwig priest's caddy. From up in earwig heaven you hear earwig God shout out "God damn it, I missed!"
Trelane: I want to tell a racist earwig Jewish joke, but I can't think of one
Trelane: I just like the idea of there being Jewish earwigs
LOAF: An earwig calls home to talk to his wife and the housekeeper answers the phone. "Can I talk to the lady earwig of the house?", he asks. "No, I'm sorry, she's upstairs with her boyfriend." Enraged, the earwig tells the maid to take the poisonous stinger from the hall closet and kill them both. After this is done, she asks what to do with the bodies. "Put them in the rotting log out front, I'll take care of them later".
LOAF: "There is no rotting log out front", the maid replies. "Oh, I'm sorry, is this 869-5452?", he says.
LOAF: An earwig goes to the doctor and finds out he only has six months to live. What should I do?, he asks the doctor. Well, the doctor says, with only six months to live you should marry a Jewish earwig -- it'll seem like longer.
Trelane: An earwig running from the police hides in an earwig neighbor's house, but suddenly the earwig police are at the door! So he climbs up in the rafters and she answers the door. Too late, they notice that his oversized earwig testicles are drooping down into the earwig police's view. Puzzled, they ask what they are.
Trelane: "They're earwig Chinese bells" she quickly makes up. So the earwig cop taps them with his club and nothing happens. So, he strikes them again harder and once again even harder. Finally the earwig criminal screams out "TING-A-LING, YOU SON OF AN EARWIG BITCH!"
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[04 Mar 2005|08:33pm] |
So despite knowing about the two Nine Inch Nails concerts in Boston well in advance and knowing the exact time both the pre-sale fan club tickets and the regular public tickets went on sale, I decided to blow off both and not bother getting any tickets right away.
According to The Internet, both Boston shows were sold out within 5 minutes of being on sale to the public. I guess I should have expected this, what with all the hassle I went through to get my crappy seats back in 2000, but damn that's fast.
Laziness: 1, Me: 0
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[16 Feb 2005|08:27am] |
Gentlemen, I present to you the creepiest picture ever. I saw this on SA and it was too bizarre not to share with others. It's some picture of unknown origin based on Super Mario Brothers that poses all sorts of questions.
Why is that Koopa actually a creepy Mexican child molestor guy in a suit? Why is the piranha plant licking his eye? Who's the nerdy guy in the white jacket? Why does Mario have a camel-toe? Who are those guys trapped in the pipe under Mario's ass? That cloud leering at Princess Toadstool is the scariest thing I've seen in quite a while. Perhaps it's staring at her because she looks like a total skank and I think I can see part of her genitals? What's the rainbow mohawk bird thing next to Luigi? What's with that baby in the green monkey costume and the evil orange thing grabbing at its leg?
And there's just something weird about the way Mario is holding his raccoon tail.
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[02 Feb 2005|09:15pm] |
Enterprise cancelled.
What the heck do they expect people to do on Friday nights now?
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[26 Dec 2004|03:54am] |
I think my favorite part of X-mas this year was ham.
I also watched the two X-mas episodes of Futurama back to back this afternoon, that was pretty rad also.
My niece is freaking adorable.
I got a $50 gift card to Newbury Comics, of all places. So if anyone has any suggestions on CDs I need to get, help me out.
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[16 Dec 2004|09:10pm] |
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"We're talking millions of bees," said Don Grogan, owner of Sedona Honey Co. in Las Vegas, who was helping with the cleanup. "And tomorrow they'll all be dead. ... It breaks my heart."
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[25 Nov 2004|07:12am] |
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music |
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Arlo Guthrie - Alice's Restaurant |
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I turned on my new Sirius radio a few minutes ago and Alice's Restaurant by Arlo Guthrie was just starting on one of the classic rock stations. I listen to this song exactly once every year on Thanksgiving and it's by far my favorite tradition of the holiday.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
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[24 Nov 2004|08:23am] |
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music |
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Led Zeppelin - What is and What Should Never Be (on the Classic Vinyl station) |
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After biting on a deal I found on the coupons forum, I finally got myself a satellite radio receiver. I'd been tempted to get one for a while, but after weaseling my way into getting $150 of equipment free by committing to a year of service, I decided to go through with it.
I listen to radio a lot when I have time off anyway, so it's nice to finally have good sound quality and a really decent selection of stations to work with. Plus, the local classic rock stations (the two stations that I listen to 99% of the time) have far too many commercials.I just got it yesterday, but the ones I like so far: - 7. Totally '70s - 1970s pop
- 8. Big '80s - 1980s Pop
- 14. Classic Vinyl - Early Classic Rock
- 15. Classic Rewind - Later Classic Rock
- 19. Buzzsaw - Classic Hard Rock
- 22. First Wave - Classic Alternative
- 23. Hair Nation - 1980s Hair Bands
- 27. Hard Attack - Heavy Metal
- 43. Back Spin - Older/Classic Rap
- 106,107,108 - NPR and PRI channels
I've barely sampled the rest. There are a bunch of electronic stations, but they seem kind of cruddy so far.
Sorry to sound like a commercial, but everyone knows I love music and this thing is just freaking awesome.
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